


the earth pulls me back

by softlyspoken



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Discussion of Cheating, Gen, M/M, Past Infidelity, prev. Littlelooneyluna, teen!seb fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23104993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlyspoken/pseuds/softlyspoken
Summary: after seb is cheated on, robert and aaron are faced with his judgement as they try to support him
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 20
Kudos: 138





	the earth pulls me back

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I just quickly wanted to say that I'll be adding my old username on here in the tags for a bit in case people are confused.

Robert’s sipping a glass of red wine and Aaron’s trying to take Jacob seriously as he tells them he wants to start working at the garage.

“Mate, you’re too young.”

“To what? Wash some cars.” Jacob brings out his phone and starts going through a list. “Come on, it’s basically in my genes.”

“Your genes?” Aaron plays with the remote in his hand, stares at how animated he is about all of this and he feels this sense of pride whack him over the head.

“Yeah. You both were —“

“Grease monkeys?” Robert says, and Aaron feels his hands wander around his waist as they lay back together a bit more. Aaron smiles, faint and gentle and enough to make Jacob look at them like they’re mad. “Fine. Trial run and we get to speak to your uncle Cain before you start.”

Jacob leaves them in peace after that, gets back on his phone texting whoever’s listening and Aaron stares up at Robert with soft eyes.

“What?”

Aaron shrugs, tiny but there. “Something really cute about our son working in the garage we …”

“First shagged in?”

Aaron sits up, hands firm around Robert’s middle. “I was going to say got married in but …” He leans in close and then pulls back again. “He doesn’t find out about that.” He cringes, Robert’s left staring at his adult husband embarrassed about sex.

“Hmm. Can I find out about it again?” Robert bucks his hips, gets them both all excited and Aaron leans in to kiss him when the door goes.

Seb’s got this look on his face and Aaron instantly gets up and goes towards him. He’s eighteen years old, taller than both of them, lanky and in need of a hair cut but so suddenly he looks like he’s just fell off his bike and needs a plaster.

“Mate.” Aaron says, his voice nearly goes because Seb’s face is red and blotchy and his eyes are puffy enough to make Robert stand too. “How was the fil—“

“We didn’t see it.”

Robert comes forward and then steps back again. “Well you could always …”

“What’s happened?” Aaron can’t stop the words rushing out and Seb looks at him. He just looks and then he’s shaking his head and sighing.

“We’re done.” Seb shrugs, he puts his keys down on the table, goes to take his jacket off.

Aaron frowns, he looks at Robert and then back towards their son. “What do you mean you’re …”

“It’s _over_.” Seb sounds like Robert, Aaron latches onto how deep his voice has become and the way his shoulders hunch like he’s protecting himself. “It’s over because she was sucking the face off someone else by the time I got there.”

The silence speaks, makes Robert’s head almost burst. “She was _what_?” He turns to Aaron and sees that he’s got tears in his eyes like it’s happening to him.

“Cheating on me.” Seb twists at his lip to stop from crying the way Aaron does and Robert’s forced to look away. “And why wouldn’t she? Why would she want to be with a loser like …”

Aaron’s there so quickly that Seb doesn’t even finish his sentence. He swoops in and holds him like he’s a baby and Robert stays where he is, silently wanting to murder every teenager he can think of.

Eventually Seb pulls away, face wet and this look on his face. Aaron’s holding him still, a hand on his shoulder and a soft voice in his ear.

“She’s mad.” He’s saying. Seb’s already shaking his head and Aaron’s struck by himself. He sees who he was when he was Seb’s age and it’s like he’s his mum. It’s terrifying in all sorts of ways. “She is. Seb you’re …”

“You were too good for her. Do you hear us?” Robert says, voice like he’s in a meeting because if he shouts it’ll only end in Seb telling him to stop trying to take control.

Seb has his head low and then he moves away, pulls his arms over himself and says something about getting a shower.

“I can bring you up something.”

“No I’m fine.” Seb lies and he’s good at it. Robert watches him go, hears him run into Annie and she asks about how Molly is almost straight away.

Molly. Robert thinks about her as he moves towards the kitchen and pours them both another glass of wine. He looks at the table and remembers when she came for dinner, she was all smiles then. He should have seen something about her, tried to halt his son from feeling like this but he didn’t.

~*~

“He’s always felt like that.”

“Like what?”

Robert holds the glass out towards Aaron and watches his husband pull a face in disgust as he gulps it down. “Like he wasn’t good enough for her.” He sighs hard.

“I want her to pay.” Aaron’s saying, his fist in a ball. “And the idiot she thought she could just kiss and —“

“Aaron.”

“Robert, our little boy is crying upstairs because of her.” Aaron folds his arms over and remembers Seb getting dumped at his school prom a few years ago. It was nothing, he was still so young, different to how he is now. He remembers feeling like someone was ripping out his own heart.

“You don’t think I know that?” Robert says, and it isn’t a question, it’s this plea that he’s given because he doesn’t want to think about it at all.

Aaron gets it, steps forward and brings his hands around his husband until their chests are pressed together.

“We’ll get him through this.” Aaron places a kiss to Robert’s head, breathes in and out until Ella’s by the stairs demanding another story.

~*~

He’s quiet. Seb’s got his head stuck down into a bowl of cornflakes and Robert’s watching him from the sofa as he plaits Annie’s hair.

“Why’s he so sad?” Annie’s a terrible whisperer, a terrible liar too and Robert just kisses her head and tells her not to worry in the slightest.

Aaron comes down with Ella on his back and Jacob trailing behind him and as soon as the chaos of the school run is done with the little ones, Jacob’s waiting in the car and they’re talking.

Seb’s got his tie on funny, has his hair pressed against his forehead like he’s not even bothered to style it.

“You know you look just like your dad when he’s first woken up.” Aaron says, he sits down slowly and then watches Seb’s shoulders hunch, tense. “Come on Seb.”

“What?” Seb looks up finally and Robert comes over to sit down. “What do you want me to even say?”

“I’m taking the bus!” Jacob comes in, backpack on and headphones yanked off.

“Hold on, no —“ The door slams shut and Robert sighs hard before looking back at his son. “Just talk to us.”

Seb bites his lip. “She was with some guy when I got to hers. I saw them through the window.” He breathes in. “And it hurt.”

Robert looks over at Aaron, rubs at his thigh to calm him down.

“What did she say?”

“That she was sorry. It didn’t mean anything. But then he was saying everything anyway.” Aaron stares, and he thinks of his hands on a marble counter, tears rolling down his face and his heart beating out of his chest.

“Saying …” Robert closes his eyes, hears shouting, feels like he’s going to break down if Aaron doesn’t _stop_ shouting. “What was he saying?”

“That they’d been seeing each other behind my back. That he was her ex so …” Seb’s eyes flicker. “So she was bored of me and …”

“That doesn’t mean she gets to break your heart.” Aaron leans over, his knee starts bouncing and then he sees Seb’s face. “I’m so sorry.”

“Molly said it meant nothing but he was saying that … he was saying when and where and everything. He was enjoying it.”

Robert’s jaw locks. “Just tell me his name.”

“You think that _matters_?” Seb asks. He has a hand clasped over the other and he blinks gently. “I don’t care about him.”

“Well then what’s with …” Aaron pulls his hands over and sees the bruising on Seb’s knuckles. “Seb.”

“I’m going to be late for school.”

“So I’ll drive —“

“I don’t want you to.” Seb looks at Robert, there’s something he isn’t saying and Robert notices. He notices and the door slams shut anyway.

~*~

Robert watches Aaron come into the scrapyard complaining of back ache and making him hold back something to tease him about.

He would, any other day he would but now he just sort of stares out the window.

“Robert?”

Robert turns to him, plays with his wedding ring and then sits up straighter.

“How could she do it?”

Aaron sighs. “She’s a kid.”

“A stupid one.”

“Robert.” Aaron says, he looks up from his paperwork and shakes his head. “Look I know she’s messed everything up. Trust me. But us saying we hate her won’t make Seb hate her even more will it? It’ll probably do the opposite.” He thinks of conversations with his mum, Robert at the centre of it all and him being told countless times to just stay away from him. It was all “evil Robert” back then and he didn’t really listen to a word of any of it.

Robert closes his eyes. “She made him feel safe. He was happy with her. She couldn’t keep it in her —“

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Well what were you like at her age?”

Robert looks up sharply and then stares right at his husband. “Nice.” He says. “I’m allowed to be a hypocrite about this, he’s our son.”

Aaron shakes his head. “I didn’t mean — I’m just saying.” He tries, feels like he’s on egg shells and Robert’s about to crack.

Robert starts waving his hands about and Aaron knows where this is going already. “How could she cheat on him? That’s all _I’m_ saying.”

“I know …” Aaron whispers, his eyes dart for a second and he’s stuck in a thought he has. When he looks up next, Robert is staring at him with a frown on his face. “What?”

“What was that look?”

Aaron pulls a hand over his eyes, sighs hard. “I didn’t give one. At all.” He shrugs. “I’m not defending her, I’m just saying that these things happen. We’ve all …”

“No. You mean I have.” Robert says it before he has the chance to consult himself on whether he wants to blow everything up for no good reason. The thought has been pressing on his mind for too long now though and he has to say it. “That’s what you’re saying.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “You’re paranoid.” He watches Robert circle the desk and pick up his car keys. “What are —“

Robert shakes his head. “Clear my head.”

“Just hang on a minute.” Aaron says, but Robert’s already getting out the door and walking towards his car. “You’re being —“

Robert turns. “No. I’m _saying_ what we’ve both been thinking about since he told us.”

Aaron keeps his mouth shut. It serves as one heck of a reply.

~*~

Robert’s got a massive chip on his shoulder and Aaron’s deciding to leave him alone for the time being.

It makes sense to which is why he’s bothering his mum and sister about all of this instead.

“I’ll kill her.” Chas says, she’s holding a kettle like she’s ready to whack someone over the head with it and he tries to calm her down. “Molly seemed like such a lovely …”

“She’s clearly not.” Eve helps, gets her head out of her phone and stares at her brother. “Everyone at school knows about it.”

“Shouldn’t you be there?”

Eve looks at Chas. “Women’s issues Aaron.” She says, and he’s certain it’s to see the face he pulls.

“Now Robert’s got it into his head that I’m somehow linking this to …” Chas rolls her eyes. “What?”

“They’re kids.”

“That’s what I tried saying.” Aaron comes further towards his mum and watches Eve grab a bottle of water before getting up the stairs. “This lad was there going through every detail though. Just like I did. Maybe that’s why …”

“Too close to home.” Chas says for him and he tries to keep his head down, make out like he isn’t worried it’ll cause something bigger between them.

It’s a reminder of something he’d rather never have to think of again.

The day he blew everything to pieces and watched Robert scramble for what was left of his life.

~*~

He meets Robert by the swing park with Ella almost an hour later. The air is crisp and he sticks his mouth into his jacket, pulls up to stop the cold getting in until he’s clearing his throat and watching his husband spin.

“How was the drive?”

Robert turns, eyes flickering and he looks a little embarrassed. “Ended up picking this one up from nursery early.” He says and then he sighs. “I’m sorry for snapping.”

Aaron bites his lip. “I wasn’t trying to say anything.” He says, he watches Robert come further towards him and then he’s waving his hands out aimlessly.

“I know. You were trying not to.”

Aaron opens his mouth and then shuts it again. “I didn’t want to upset you.” He says, honest and enough to make Robert feel bad for marching out like he did.

Robert looks back at Ella swinging herself with her little legs and then starts pushing the swing for her again. Aaron stays behind, leans over to hold Robert around the waist.

“But I have. Haven’t I?”

Aaron leans away, watches Robert watch him. “It made me think of me and you. Cheating. You telling …” He gulps hard and the memory’s always been lodged into place in his mind but now it’s front and centre and banging about with a drum. “It made me think of stuff and I was just angry. I was angry at —“

“Me?”

Robert’s eyes widen. “No. No. No, me. I was angry at myself.” He frowns. “Why would I be —“

“For blowing the whole thing up in the first place.”

“That was years ago.”

“Yeah I know.” Aaron steps forward. “I know but …”

Robert closes his eyes. “Yeah it was … one of the worst days of my life. All of it.” Aaron knows what he’s saying but also knows talking about that time in a swing park isn’t the best of ideas. “So when I heard it, I just … I just hated him being in that position.”

Aaron has a hand on Robert’s shoulder, squeezes down and then looks up into his eyes. “I get it.” He says. “And you cheating in the past … it has nothing to do with being there for Seb.”

Robert breathes in, nods gently. “I hope you’re right.” He sighs and then turns his attention back on Ella.

~*~

Seb comes home with a bright red face and it’s clear he’s trying to be pretend like he isn’t still angry about everything. He says he’s not spoke to her, he’s text, said that he needs time to think.

Aaron has Ella bouncing on his lap and he kisses her head, watches Seb slope upstairs before he turns to Robert.

“See. Time. That’s all he needs.”

“I can tell the time.” Ella says, and Robert manages to laugh through his unease. 

He comes home three days later at half twelve at night clearly tipsy and talking about being just as bad as her.

“You need to sleep.” Aaron tells him, a hand over his shoulder and already asking Robert to get him some water. “Do you know what time it is?”

“Yeah I’m not an idiot.”

Robert huffs. “No. You’re just absolutely mullered.” Aaron snaps his neck up, gives Robert this look. “What? It’s true.” He closes his eyes. “Mate, where have you —“

“I kissed some girl.” Seb says, like it’s the worst thing he’s ever done in his life. “Why did I even go to that party?” Robert goes to speak and Seb shakes his head. “For Isaac.” He rolls his eyes. “I kissed someone else. I cheated too.” He sits slumped on the sofa and Robert tightens his dressing gown and sits next to him.

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

Seb’s green eyes turn into watery wide circles and he frowns. “Doesn’t it? I cheated on her dad. I did exactly what she did to me.”

Robert scoffs, leans over and he really thinks he’s helping. “She was seeing someone behind your back. You don’t have anything to feel bad about.”

“Then why do I?” Seb says, his chin wobbles and he places his head in his hands, closes his eyes shut.

Aaron sighs, comes a little closer towards him. “Because you’re a good person, and you’d never want to hurt her.”

Robert looks like he doesn’t understand, scoots closer as well. “But she hurt you Seb.” Aaron looks at him like he wants him to shut up, like he’s digging a grave and making things worse.

Seb looks at him like he doesn’t believe what he’s saying. “What so this is just some revenge?”

Robert scrambles, tries to stick to whatever price of advice he was trying to chuck about a few minutes ago. “No. I’m just saying that this isn’t cheating.”

Seb blinks out this look. “Well sorry I didn’t learn it all from the expert.” He practically shouts it out and then he’s flying up the stairs.

Robert feels frozen against the shock.

~*~

The light in their bedroom glows amber, spreads this warmth across the room that they desperately need to feel.

Robert stares hard into space, feels everything inside him stretch and pull before Aaron’s climbing into bed and putting his arms around him. They haven’t spoken about it since it happened, Seb said absolutely nothing over dinner and when Jacob sensed something was right he made up an excuse about a headache.

Robert doesn’t want to talk about it but he does too. He wants to speak about all his worries and fears until there’s absolutely nothing left but it’s more difficult than that and he knows it.

He starts with something, Aaron’s hand on his hair palming through locks in silence.

“He meant that.”

“He’s angry.” Aaron says it like it doesn’t matter, like it’ll pass. “That’s all.” Aaron takes a hand from his Robert’s hair and runs a hand it up Robert’s middle, smooths a circle. “His head’s all over the place.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” Robert whispers, chin tilted down slightly. “But he’s right.”

Aaron doesn’t even listen; it’s like he can’t. “No, he isn’t.” He says, because he’s trying to stop this going any deeper and make his husband feel any worse.

Robert tries turning towards him, finds that he can’t. “I’m a cheat. Now he knows how it feels to be cheated on.”

Aaron sits up and Robert slides down a little further so that he can’t face him. It doesn’t stop speaking though. “It’s not as simple as that is it?”

Robert sighs. “What because their kids? I was doing it back then and I’m …”

“You’re what?” Aaron says, Robert suddenly notices that he’s got his jumper sleeves rolled up and he stares at his forearms with his head still bent. “You’re a bad person? Is that why you’re trying to say.”

Robert sighs. “No.” He says, because maybe he does think that but saying it now will only make Aaron look at him like he’s heartbroken about it.

Aaron breathes in, turns Robert so that he’s facing him. “We need to do this together. You need to talk to me. So if it’s not that then —“

“I’m trying to say that I can’t comfort him without being some sort of mad hypocrite.”

Aaron eyes widen and he leans back, looks down at the duvet and then up at Robert again. “You said it before and you were right. He’s your son. You get to be a hypocrite.”

Robert thinks about wanting to be, going over to Molly’s house and giving her and her parents a piece of his mind about how much she’s messed up his son. He contemplates finding out whoever her ex was and forcing him to stay away. It would make things better for a little while and then Seb would hate him for it.

“You really do.” Aaron repeats it all because Robert looks lost.

Robert sighs hard though, almost like he’s falling into something and he has no control over it. “Yeah? Well I don’t think he sees it like that.”

“Yeah ‘cause he’s a kid.”

“A kid who knows all about how much his dad put it about.” Robert groans. “He doesn’t want me around him.”

Aaron folds his arms over. “Maybe not now. But give him time.” He leans over and kisses at Robert’s forehead slowly, it makes Robert reach up, squeeze at his arm and relax.

~*~

Seb’s changed and Robert isn’t going to pretend like he hasn’t. It’s like he’s carrying around this sadness he’s pretending he doesn’t have. It makes Robert stare at him a little longer, worry about everything that’s going on in his head.

Ella’s on his lap and he’s reading her a story when Seb comes in from school later than expected. Robert tries to bite his tongue against, watches as Seb kicks off his shoes by the door and keeps his back towards him. He thinks of leaving it until he’s thinking about his own dad and it causes this thing to press through him.

He just says his name. It barely comes out really. “Seb.”

“I’ve got homework.”

Robert closes his eyes, he squeezes around Ella a little tighter as he tries to say something. “You haven’t said a word to me all day.”

“I’ve been at school.”

“Don’t.” Robert sighs. “You know what I mean.”

Seb closes his eyes, waves a hand out and pulls his rucksack off of him as he looks up the stairs. He looks at Ella and then at his dad. “I don’t have anything to say.”

Robert nods. “Yeah you do.”

Aaron comes in with Annie seconds later and Robert stops speaking again. He wonders what Aaron thinks he should do about this tension and then he realises he wants them to talk. He comes towards Robert and picks Ella up from his lap, gets her upstairs.

Annie stays, eyes glued on her phone before she looks up. “What’s with the face?” She suddenly frowns. “What’s going on?”

Seb stands awkwardly before going to turn upstairs.

“Is this Molly again?” Annie tuts and then looks at Robert. He suddenly remembers how sensitive she is to anything bad happening, how she’s resilient because she’s had to be but they’re always going to want to protect her from any angst. “Seb. Forget her.”

“It’s easier said then done.” Robert says, “Have you got any —“

“Homework? Yeah.” Annie goes towards the stairs and then Robert stands, kisses at her head and she looks up with a smile on her face. “Don’t be weird.” He smiles as he watches her go and then she looks at her brother. “Some girl in my class fancies you if you need a boost or —“

“OK up you go.” Robert says and she goes willingly, leaves Seb stuck exactly where he was until Aaron comes back down the stairs again and Robert tries to think of how to approach this.

“What’s happened?” Aaron asks, it’s a normal question but it so quickly gets Seb’s back up.

“Nothing. I’ve got homework and I’m getting my head _pecked_.”

Aaron frowns, folds his arms over. “Your dad’s just trying to talk to you Seb.” He looks at Robert, tries to communicate something between them and then watches Robert nod out a “thanks” before sighing.

Robert steps forward, waves a hand out.   
“You’ve been looking at me differently.“

Seb scowls. “Why’d you think?” He says, and Robert feels his heart pound hard and fast in his chest. His tongue feels heavy in his mouth and he tries to get past the feeling.

“Whatever you think, he’s your dad and he’s trying to help you.” Aaron’s saying all this stuff, he’s trying to help and be on Robert’s side but Seb’s still looking at them like they’re mad. He’s still looking at Robert like he doesn’t want to have this conversation at all.

“Listen.” Robert still has that hand waving about. “I’m not an idiot, I know that —“

“No, you’re a cheater.” Seb just says it, he doesn’t hold back and it’s just floating about in the air until Aaron speaks.

“Seb.” He says, eyes wide like he doesn’t want to hear any of this himself. Robert thinks about if Aaron’s been laying awake at night thinking about it all too. If he’s been remembering how much of a cheat his husband is, how it was something everyone used to think of him. Womaniser one week and gay the next but also a cheater in between.

“No. No.” Robert says, he doesn’t want him to stop, he can’t have him just stop. “Carry on.” He pleads, arms folded over as he stares at Seb.

Aaron steps in, knows that this is about Robert wanting to punish himself for things that happened decades ago and it won’t help. It’ll just bring up so much old shit that they don’t have to think about anymore. It’s just ripping open old wounds for absolutely no reason at all.

“What good will that do?” Aaron looks at Robert, tries to get him to listen.

“He needs to get it off his chest.” Robert says back, eyes wide as he looks at Aaron and feels his panic about melt into him. “You think I want him keeping all this _in_ like I …”

Like he did, with his dad, years ago. Things brewed up until the point where Robert hated his dad in this way he knew he could never get over. He wipes a hand over his face and then looks at Seb.

“Go on.”

Seb’s eyes are wet and he looks more upset than angry now. He looks like he doesn’t want to be saying any of it but he can’t _not_ say it either. “How could you hurt someone like that?”

Robert hangs his head in shock and he shouldn’t be. He knows this exact question was bobbing about on the surface since Seb came home that now. “I was … I couldn’t be honest about who I was back then Seb. Me and your dad … having an affair wasn’t my best move but —“

“But you did it anyway? To my _aunt_.”

It’s all so close to home and it makes Robert feel like he can’t quite get anything out that’ll make that much difference.

He frowns. “You think that’s the same as this? It’s no where _near_ the same —“

Seb rolls his eyes. “What because I’m just a stupid kid?”

“No, because she’s a teenager and I was a grown man who couldn’t admit to what he really wanted.” Robert hasn’t had the chance to reflect, to rake everything back up again but now it spills out.

Aaron steps in when Seb doesn’t say anything. “Seb, your dad isn’t the enemy here.”

“I didn’t say he was.” Seb shrugs and then looks towards the ground.

“I’m not the only person who’s ever cheated Seb.” Robert scoffs. “Try half the flaming village.”

Seb scowls. “They’re not my dad though. You are.” He says, and then he looks back towards the floor like he can’t say anything else.

Robert crosses his arms over and tilts his head so that he can look down at his son. “You’re right. I know. But we just want to be here for you. So don’t push us away and don’t … don’t beat yourself up over a stupid kiss.”

“It was cheating.” Seb says, like it’s definitely the case. He looks up. “To me at least.”

Robert frowns. “What’s that meant to mean? I wouldn’t know the difference right.”

Seb just looks up, shakes his head and then sighs. “I did what she did to me.”

Robert sees Aaron as he tries to speak, he wants to shake him by the shoulders and stop the way he turns everything back on himself when things happen to him. He doesn’t shake him, instead he sighs and breathes in.

“Seb you made a mistake, it isn’t the same thing. Why can’t you just —“

Seb takes a step back. “As what? As having a full blown affair like you did.”

Aaron gets in the middle of them like they’re going to start hurting each other soon. “You need to calm down.”

Seb shakes his head. “Why? I’m right. Don’t tell me I’m missing something.”

Robert feels something in him snap. “Yeah. Fine. You’re right. I cheated on your aunt, but it’s the reason why your dad is —“

Seb cuts him off dead, he stares right at him like all he sees is a hypocrite. “And we all know the reason why I’m here don’t we? Because you did it again.”

Robert takes in a breath and his heart thuds loudly. He wonders if they can hear. He just stills, stares, and he doesn’t know what to say _again_. “Me and your dad weren’t in a good place.” He says, eventually, eyes flickering as he speaks.

“So you cheated, so you broke someone else’s heart.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “Seb. Stop.”

“No. No. _Why_? Stop or I’ll hurt his feelings? I’m his _son_ , it’s in my blood to fuck things up for other people.” Seb stops abruptly, the hand that was flying about stills and his eyes are wide.

Robert staggers back, feels himself hit Aaron’s chest when he didn’t even know he was standing behind him. He gravitates towards him maybe and then feels his hand instinctively against his arm.

Seb doesn’t say anything, no one does. He looks like he’s been caught eating a biscuit when his dinner’s nearly ready. It makes everything feel even worse.

“I didn’t …” Seb says. Then he stops and stares at Aaron like he wants him to say something to make it go away.

“You did.” Robert says. “And I hate how true everything you’ve just said really is.” He picks up his car keys and Aaron tries to stop him from leaving, says they have to talk. “I just need a minute.” He says, and what he really means is that he needs to drive around lonely country roads and try to forget the way Seb thinks of them.

  
~*~

Aaron watches from the window as the car rolls off the driveway and out of the village. His arms are crossed and he taps a finger against his hand before turning back towards Seb.

He’s sat slumped against the sofa in silence and Aaron can only hold on to the fact that he hasn’t disappeared as well.

“I know you didn’t mean that.” Aaron comes forward, stops at the sofa and then looks up at the stairs again to hear Annie telling Ella she’s going to karate chop her head off. He sighs, hears Jacob prizing them apart and yanking Ella over his shoulder and into his room.

“What if I did?”

Aaron gulps hard, feels like suddenly there’s all his biggest fears coming out of nowhere. There’s his kids not seeing their dad the way he sees him.

“Then I’d know for sure that you have no idea how amazing he is, how lucky you are that he’s your dad.”

Seb breathes in heavily, his shoulders bunch like he doesn’t want to speak. Then he does. He lifts his head and sighs. “What ‘cause he could be worse?”

Aaron frowns. “No, because he _loves_ you.”

“I’m not saying he doesn’t.” His voice is barely there as he speaks.

“No you’re saying he messes everything up because you know it’d hurt him to hear that.” Aaron comes closer. “And I get you want to hurt someone but it isn’t him. I won’t have that.”

“Well I have now haven’t I?” Seb kicks again the sofa, this anger in him that Aaron’s never wanted to have to see.

“Seb. Come here.” Aaron whispers. Seb doesn’t budge, he keeps his head down and Aaron sits closer to him on the sofa.

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Come here kid. It’s OK.” It isn’t, it feels like everything is becoming more difficult to get Seb to listen to them. He knows how teenagers are; he remembers how _he_ was himself but this is all so scarily new that he’s still terrified of messing it up.

“It’s not.” Seb says, after a minute of this heavy thick silence. He sniffs, pulls a hand up to push off of his dad and sit up again. Aaron watches him rub his nose until it’s red raw and his freckles are bright against his paling skin. “I don’t like who I’m becoming.”

Aaron feels the words chip at his heart. “You’re not _becoming_ anything, you’re growing up.”

“Hurting people along the way.”

Aaron studies him for a second, remembers when he didn’t win an egg and spoon race for his team in year four and he spent the whole night worrying about letting everyone else down. He remembers how nothing they said could stop him from being so upset with himself. It was already there, this absolute ability to turn things on himself.

“That’s what happens sometimes. No one’s perfect.” Aaron says. “God. At your age I was … more than a little bit of a mess.”

Seb turns to him. “Yeah ‘cause you were struggling with being gay not being cheated on.”

Aaron huffs, sits up the way Seb is and watches their knees bump together. “I did and said a lot of stuff. Things that I’m not proud of, things I wish I could take back because they hurt people I loved.” He runs a finger over his knuckles in remembrance and then tilts his head.

“Like who?”

Aaron lets out a shaky laugh. “Want a list? Could start with your nan, grandad Paddy, sure I screamed in Vic’s face a couple of times. Basically anyone who didn’t know what I was feeling.” He gulps hard. “But I know how you’re feeling Seb.”

Seb blinks out, keeps his eyes on his dad like he wants to believe everything he’s saying.

“It’ll pass.”

“What? And I’ll get back together and we’ll get married and have four kids.” Seb shakes his head sadly. “You don’t get it. Chrissie would get it. You were Molly’s ex. Not me.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and it’s weird hearing her name said by his son. He tries to think of an argument against it all and then shrugs. “Fair point.” He clears his throat and Seb looks up, surprised. “But I get the other bit. I get … feeling like you’re cheating somehow.”

Seb’s green eyes are wide suddenly and he looks like Vic as he frowns. “I don’t get it. You were with someone else?”

Aaron almost cringes, thinks back to a relationship that he needed and didn’t need at the exact same time. He nods his head.

“During … your affair with dad?”

“No.” The idea is almost hilarious and he bites his lip to stop from laughing. “After. After we … when we were broken up.” Seb pulls this face. “What’s with the face? You might hate to think it but I was quite the catch.” He wasn’t fighting them off but considering he met Alex whilst looking like a wreck and smelling like the pig’s pen up at Wishing Well’s, he did all right.

Seb’s face gets even more warped and then he shrugs. “No, it’s just … it feels wrong picturing you with someone else.”

Aaron likes it that way, smiles a little about it and then he’s back to being an actual parent. “I know what you mean. I knew then. I know now.” He shrugs. “We were over, I’d screamed it in his face, given back my wedding ring, he’d moved out and everything but.” Aaron’s hangs grow clammy as he thinks hard. “It was like I was betraying him you know?”

Seb nods his head just a fraction.

“But it’s OK to move on.”

Seb stills. “That girl at the party was no one.” He says quickly, like he needs his dad to know.

“Yeah. OK. Fine. But they’ll …”

“Be others?” Seb blinks. “There wasn’t for you.”

Aaron huffs, smiles. “Yeah well that’s cause I’m crazy.” He says.

Seb bites at his lip, frowns. “Did dad?” Aaron frowns. “Move on? Or try and fail miserably.”

Aaron thinks about Robert’s disastrous behaviour up until they were with each other again and decides not to mentioning him drugging Seb’s grandad and all of that. He sighs, runs a finger of his eyebrow as he sits. “Well no. He was being his … mischievous self let’s say and then you were here. He stepped up.” Seb smiles. “He was like a duck to water with you.”

“He says that about you.”

“Obviously.” Aaron waves a hand over himself and Seb nearly laughs. He leans into it, feels himself smiling and then he straightens his back. “But actually, that’s how we got back together. Your auntie Vic and Bernice and — basically every woman in the village was trying to get him to move on once and for good.”

Seb frowns. “And someone didn’t like that idea.” He says.

“Which is exactly why he came home with me that night instead of some random.” He still hates the random, still sometimes thinks about what would have happened if Aaron didn’t ask Vic for a cheeseburger to go with his pint that night. Maybe they both would have ended up in that garage freezing their balls off just because they couldn’t leave each other alone anymore.

Seb sighs. “Then you were back to normal?”

Aaron thinks about how easy it all seemed, was. “Yeah.” He shrugs. “He loved me. I loved him. I didn’t want to waste anymore time.” He blinks and then sighs. “We never looked back and your dad has done _everything_ he can not to mess things up again.”

Seb closes his eyes. “I didn’t mean to say that.” He closes his eyes. “Just sometimes I do something and I think …”

“Think what?” Aaron breathes in, then brings a hand up and touches Seb’s face to make him look at him. “What do you mean?”

“That I’m like him.” Seb’s eyes are glassy. “Lachlan.”

“Because you did something wrong?” Aaron’s heart thuds and then he gulps hard when Seb nods.

“He must have started like this. Doing something wrong and then he was —“

Aaron’s horrified in this way he can’t even explain. “Don’t be — you’re nothing like him. I promise.” Seb looks at him. “You want to know how I know that? Because you’ve got me and your dad and …” There’s this sound of Ella knocking something over upstairs and Jacob screaming down that he’s sorting it. “He loves you so much you know.”

Seb nods. “I should go tell him I’m sorry.” He rolls his eyes. “He thinks I hate him.”

“No.” Aaron shifts, feels confident in speaking for his husband for now. He saw the look in his eyes. “He just feels like you think of him differently now.”

“I don’t.” Seb looks up. “I just didn’t get how he could do it. I probably won’t ever really but …” He blinks. “That doesn’t mean I should make out like he’s a monster.”

Aaron smiles and then sits back on the sofa before Jacob’s coming down the stairs with a frown on his face.

“What was all the shouting about?” He’s not stupid, in fact, he’s fully grown out of the wanting to punch and kick and scream the house down faze now. “I heard you.”

“Molly.” Seb decides to say and it’s enough to get Jacob looking sorry for you again.

“Ella nearly broke our game console but it’s fine, I’m fixing it.”

Seb smiles at him.

“Come help?” Jacob asks and Seb nods before Robert’s coming back through the door again.

“Yeah. In a minute.”

Aaron stands, gets to the door as Jacob is up the stairs again. He eyes Robert up and down like he’s trying to check that he’s all right before looking at Seb. “Give us a second?”

Seb stays put and then nods and walks out into the garden.

Aaron squeezes Robert’s arm. “Are you …”

Robert can hardly look at him. “How bad is it?”

Aaron frowns. “Is what?”

Robert sighs, puts his keys down and then sits on the sofa. “Him hating me.”

Aaron shakes his head. “He doesn’t. We’ve … had a bit of a talk. He didn’t mean to say that.” He says it like it’ll help but Robert’s stuck and he has to drag him out of his own head. He squeezes his husband’s knee until Robert is looking at him. “Where did you go?”

“To the farm. You know, Jacob really wants to work there one day. Funny isn’t it? I hated it and he … can’t stay away.”

“He’s a mechanic this week remember?”

Robert nearly smiles and then he closes his eyes. “He didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. I cheated, I hurt people and now he knows how bad it all is properly.”

Aaron tuts. “He was lashing out.”

“No. He’s growing up. He’s finally seeing things in this new way and … finding out stuff about me that I never wanted him to know.” Robert pushes the words out. “And now he hates me.”

“I don’t.”

Robert spins and sees Seb standing by the garden door with his red hoodie on and big round eyes like he’s panicked at the thought of all of it. Robert thinks of him as a toddler again, how he used to appear out of nowhere with something to say and it’d make Robert smile.

Now he can’t.

“What I did then.” Robert says, he scrambles at the thought of Seb seeing him look so weak and tries to wipe at his face. He watches his son come into the room further and his shoulders bunch up.

“I just don’t get it.”

Robert sighs. “There’s not a _reason_ that’ll make you get it.” He shrugs. “But if you think kissing some girl after what Molly did you you makes you as bad as me then you’re wrong.”

Seb frowns. “You’re not … bad.”

Aaron almost smiles and Seb looks at him for some sort of encouragement on how to go about this. He nods back because he’s doing fine, because their son is almost as useless as they are at talking about things when it’s hard to.

Robert has his hands up towards his face and he leans down. He tries to think of something to say but Seb beats him to it again.

“I was just angry.” Seb says. “Because yeah you regret cheating … but you don’t regret it really.” He frowns and it’s that that’s twisted up in his mind like some loose branches.

Robert looks at the ground and then at Aaron and then at Seb. “You mean I don’t regret you? No way.” He says passionately. “Or the fact that my first marriage ended. No. No I don’t regret that but I regret all the pain. I do. I’m not a monster Seb.”

“I don’t think that.” Seb stumbles and Aaron smooths a hand across Robert’s thigh.

“He’s trying.” He whispers, gentle and he realises that Seb really is as bad at words as he is. Robert settles, shoulders loosening as Seb sits on the coffee table and sighs.

“What I said … about me ending up hurting people ‘cause I’m your son, that was … wrong.” Seb gulps down something and looks nervous, Robert’s already shaking his head before he finishes speaking.

“Not really.”

Seb blinks out something again. “Maybe before I came along. But since I’ve been apart of your life, all you’ve shown me is how to love people, be kind, savvy —“

“Jammy.” Aaron pokes, eyes wet because Robert needs to hear all of this so many times before he’ll believe it. He didn’t know how much until right now.

Seb smirks, then tilts his head down. “So I’m not judging you on things you did before I was even here.” He shrugs. “That’s not fair.”

Robert stares at his son, overwhelmed and a shake to his knee as he tries not to cry. “Yeah?”

Seb nods a little. “I love you dad.” He says, his voice is gentle, like he doesn’t want to push and Robert leans over and grabs him close to hug him.

“Don’t ever forget how much I do OK?” Robert whispers as he holds Seb closer and kisses his head like he always used to after he’d washed his hair in the bath. He closes his eyes and smells the baby shampoo, breathes in lavender.

“Pretty hard to with all your hugging.” Seb says as he pulls away to breathe. He sits back, stares between his dads and then his phone goes. “It’s … Molly.”

He takes the call, Aaron sits holding Robert’s hand and putting off making dinner as Seb paces the garden on his phone.

“You think he’ll take her back?” Robert asks, trying his best to watch from where they’re sitting.

Aaron chews at his thumb. “No. Yes. No. No I don’t think so.”

Robert gulps hard and they wait a little more until Seb’s coming back in, quiet, slowly.

“Everything OK?” Robert asks and Seb actually nods his head.

“Yeah fine. We … well I … yeah it’s over so.”

Aaron breathes in. “Mate. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s better like this.” Seb nods, smiles a little and then he sighs. “Thanks for putting up with me being an arse.” He comes closer towards them. “But I think I’ll be OK now.” Robert squeezes his hand as he goes towards the stairs.

“We’re here. Always. You know?”

Seb does. He nods. “Thanks.” He says, and it means the world as he leaves.

“See, he’s OK.” Aaron runs a hand across Robert’s arm and then feels Robert pushing his mouth against his, hands falling over his face. “What was that for?”

Robert licks his lips and then sighs. “Forgiving me for everything.” He says, and it’s been absolutely years but it’s still something he’s grateful for. He still thinks about it all sometimes.

Aaron frowns. “How couldn’t I? I’d be nothing without your roast dinners.” He jokes, kids, but he’s got tears wet in his eyes and he leans in to kiss Robert again. “And I’ll always love you. There’s that too.”

Robert smiles gently, kisses him back until he’s stroking at Aaron’s cheek. “You mentioned my cooking because you can’t be arsed to cook yourself right?”

Aaron nods confidently. “Correct.” He says. “So slap the apron on and maybe I’ll return the favour later.”

Robert bites at his lip and gets to the kitchen, pulling out pans and asking Aaron to cut up some peppers at least. Seb watches from the landing as his dad complains about not knowing how to cut the peppers finely enough and his other dad tells him to stop trying to get out of doing any work.

Jacob calls him back in, says the controller is working fine so he can easily fix an engine now. Seb looks down again to see his dad’s hands all over his other dad’s waist as he helps him put an apron on.

He smiles before going back into his room.


End file.
